Over the hill... beyond the next Advance Care Directive

Well this is an uplifting topic !  I have written two Advance Care Directives (ACD)in the last few years .
[You can now do it quite easily on-line (Link to SA Legal Services Form is here (https://advancecaredirectives.sa.gov.au/https://advancecaredirectives.sa.gov.au/)…I guess if you live outside God’s Own Country (SA) you can Google your local links.]
 
So I’m blogging about this because it is one of those things we need to attend to as we get older.

What exactly is it?
We are simply sharing with those who are going to be affected ( our children and grandchildren, and our friends and associates) what we might like to happen as we prepare to die.
Now I am aware that when I revealed my first directive to my three daughters one Sunday afternoon a couple of years ago…I wanted them to sign their agreement to act as my agents, it was for me an invitation to say to them “I trust you”…and I realise that’s a risk, my experience has been that children do not always deal well with the deaths of their parents. Or indeed of their children, or their siblings.
But I do know and believe that though they/we may not want to do it.
That is NOT the point.
We MUST do it.
For our own well-being, for the well-being of our children and grandchildren.
The way to deal with death is to meet it in the garden (some of us will easily get this) and cry and say,
“They have taken him away and I don’t know where they have laid him.”
We said this about my own mother, they came and took her away while we were sitting around discussing what to do.
Ambulance men (sic for such they were) came and took my Dad and dealt carelessly with his body.

So, any way, getting back to that fateful  Sunday when the three beloved were to simply sign their agreement to act. To care for me, and each other and all the others.
The first ACD, was fairly innocuous.
Let’s face it I was not planning to fall off the twig.
So I passed the copies around…..
Daughter number 2 ( The third S Clark) ….couldn’t do it…
“I don’t want to do this”, she said. Tears flooded. ( It’s one of her hallmark responses)
Not quite sure what she thought …I was certainly not about to die,
and she was certainly not going to stop me from dying by refusing to sign.
I am a bit unsure whether we managed to sign the documents that day.  It doesn’t matter I have written another since then….have to get it signed.
It was instructive about how precious this stuff is with which we deal. “We have this treasure in earthen vessels”
It’s not up to me to ignore my children’s sensibilities and tell them to “Muscle up!”  They are three very strong women…almost frightening. And I have observed about them in the past.
“They are exactly what I would want them to be. Assertive, intelligent and kind. I am just not so sure that I want them to assert all over me”
And of course they are my little girls, with hearts easily broken. Of this treasure I must be careful.
I hope this is a wisdom of age.

Was very struck by a discussion on RN Saturday Extra with the wonderful Geraldine Doogue (31/8/19) which talked about Palliative Care and ACDs and reminded us that we have come a long way in the forty years since I was ordained. It reminds us that ACDs are not just ‘tick boxes’ they are processes which need care
Hopefully when I present the next now to be signed ACD, we may all enter into this.
And, of course, I probably won’t be there when the rubber hits the road. I will just have to ‘trust them’.
And I do.

It still remains

An interesting question always exists about what to do when any sort of development uncovers human remains.

I guess a prior question is always going to be about whether or not there has been foul play. And it would seem that usually things stop until such a question can be answered.

In a land, too, where there are occasionally going to be Aboriginal remains found from time to time the question becomes a bit more complex. Some may be recent, some may be ancient; they may be known to aboriginal communities or new discoveries; they may or may not be evidence of foul play (ancient or modern).

Such a discovery seems to have been made during the development of the rail line to the outlying suburb of Seaford. (here).

Now Seaford is a long way from the city of Adelaide, and even from Noarlunga (the next big transport hub) and is desperately in need of improved public transport so there is of course a need to prioritise in any one of a number of different directions

1. The development at all costs mentality would no doubt suggest that such a find is unfortunate and the remains would need to be removed to allow the development to go ahead.

2. The cultural heritage at all costs mentality would again suggest that such a find is unfortunate and the the development should should be stopped or at the least re-routed.

Clearly these two alternatives do not sit well and or easily with each other.

I was little surprised by a comment made by (I think) Claire Smith one of the Professors at Flinders who suggested that aboriginal people may accord more significance to human remains because for them they were still linked with the person. This would seem to be true.

But what I would suggest is surprising is the inference that some-how non-aboriginal people don't have reverence for the remains of the dead.

I don't think she would have meant such a thing. I have always felt that you shouldn't (for example) walk over graves if you can avoid it. Or behave inappropriately in a cemetery.

My impression is that most people feel similarly.

Any way...what ever happens with these particular remains, we shouldn't just imagine that the almighty dollar has the last word. And always be mindful that, however remote, human remains have been people and are always significant.

2011

The weather has been remarkably clement. It is a wonderful time of year. One of my correspondents seemingly mocks me with the title of my blog....the world is passing me by...but it has been a season of fruitfulness as alluded to in previous blogs. Tomatoes slowly ripen. Would that weather were warmer and that they would come on more quickly.

Meantimes my cynical critic suggests my life is passing by without meaning.I have anointed one who has died, and another who is on the brink.

Most people don't enter into this...it is the priest's lot...

With cynicism most think the world is in our grasp. It is not.

All flesh is grass

The cold on your throat is my hand
Lurking in the dark, lurking in the light
I'm here to haunt you I am your fright
The marks on your skin are marks of my seed
And the pain you feel is forever breeding
And all your flesh is grass in my hands
And all the skin rots as autumn grass
The dark you see is the dark I am
I rip your heart out, I am your sandman
And all your flesh is grass in my hands
And all the skin rots as autumn grass

I wouldn't be quite so fierce as these word are...but death is rough for all of us

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I don't mean to be morbid.

But so many are cocky, thinking the world is their oyster...but it is fleeting

and as fragile as anything

Life goes on

I vainly put on my Facebook status that today (Monday after Sunday after Christmas) I would be able to do nothing! O foolish man!

I had a poor night's sleep and woke up sweating, thinking I was getting the flu. Two Panadol and two aspirin later....

I visited Flinders Medical Centre (good day to visit as parking was easy) and took Communion to J who had the misfortune to spend the holy season in a hospital bed. BUT the good fortune to be in the best place to be if you are a sick bunny.

Then I visited J in the Repat General Hospital. She looked all the better for having had to go to hospital on Christmas Day, and has perked up no end. She was reading a mad novel (not bad for 92) called "The Glue that Binds Us".

'I suppose," she said, "that means we are glued to each other!" As I say, not bad for 92! She had her Christmas Communion too.

Then back to meet with the children of the other saint who died peacefully on Christmas Eve. Molly's funeral will be on Friday. She has been a good mother and great Christian. Supporter (as they reminded me) of many priests...a very valuable and valued ministry. There were many times when I felt under siege when I was buoyed by her steadfast and unwavering support.

When we talked about symbols that might be placed on her coffin her son suggested "a wooden spoon" I simply remarked...well that is a multi faceted symbol, and we all laughed! God bless Molly. (as I write this I feel the tears well in my heart and eyes)

What are the indicators?

While, by and large, I am convinced by the argument that the presence of Australian troops in Afghanistan is part of (and probably necessary for) the 'war against terrorism'; the question that keeps being asked and seldom (if ever) answered is:when we will know that it is time to withdraw our troops?

Clearly there is a range of indicators that could, and perhaps should, be adopted. Not the least of which is the question of the cost in human life.

Let us also not forget that this cost is on both sides.

I do not pretend that there is any easy answer to this question. I would, however, like some assurance that this question is being grappled with.

I am not always convinced that this is so.

O Israel! O israel!

I hope (but doubt) that the rulers of the state of Israel prayed Psalm 4 this morning

Sons of men, how long will you turn my glory to my shame :
how long will you love what is worthless and seek after lies?

Psalm 4:2 (Prayer book Version)

As once again we see one of the most highly trained armies in the world claiming that it acted in 'self-defence' when it killed people during its aggressive attack on a boat which appeared to be in international waters. And which presumably they, therefore, had no right to board.

That luminary Andrew Bolt (not surprisingly) is able to rationalise this (see here) suggesting that all this is a plot to discredit Israel. This is exactly, he suggests, what Hamas wanted to happen. Seemingly suggesting that Israel had fallen into a carefully laid trap.

Tthere is interesting commentary (no doubt 'left wing' in Bolt's terms) from Crikey here.

BUT it just doesn't add up.

Once again we see that Israel reacts in a totally disproportionate way. The loss of 1 person nis bad enough...but 9.

It is the soldiers who you see toting the automatic weapons and dressed in full battledress. It is they who are the agressors and who have all the training to do what they like.

Israel can and only does act like this because the U.S., its benefactor and strongest ally, will never hold them to account. So, with Netanyahu at the helm, they are able to go unchecked.

As one commentator observed on TV the other night..."I am a supporter of Israel but sometimes they make it bloody hard to keep on supporting them".

I would concur

On being boring

Eldest daughter was a bit put out that she went to Church on Good Friday and I didn't even notice she was there!
Later in the day she told me
"You preached too long!"
"I only preached for 10 minutes"
"It was too long!"
You can't win them all, and your family are a preacher's worst critics!
"Any way, " she countered when she realised she was maybe just being argumentative, "you always say the same thing!"
"So what did I say?" I countered.
"Well you always say how death is so important that we shouldn't run away from it!"
I said no more, content that at least one person had heard what I had intended to say!

Great wedding

I went to to E & B's rather lovely wedding yesterday. I have known E's family for many years and in fact married her two brothers as well.

She is a very fine professional woman, statuesque and lovely personality. Her fiance is actually an Iranian refugee. Great young man, and a true example of the system working well (if not a little slowly).

It was great to see him stand amidst his brothers and with much of his family who now llive in Australia.

You can imagine that this provides much food for thought, reflection and prayer so I won't try to tell you everything, dear reader. But here are some thoughts.

First, the speeches were all great. Which is not always the case.

But we were all impressed, not in a patronising way with speeches crafted by the best man and the groom.

The great care they took was wondrous.

At many weddings there is too little care, but given that neither was speaking in their first language, I was touched by the careful word choice and the absolute sincerity.

A good dose of humour was present, which is not always easy to get in another language.

Their desire to assert the establishment of this new family and to embrace this lovely woman into their fold was just amazing.

I was moved to watch B stand with his father and mother and their sons and daughter, and have their photos taken...while we all have such photos at weddings...this did have about it the great sense of victory.

Second, perhaps the best thing about the wedding ceremony (though the bride looked stunning) was the ululation. ... you know that high pitched African trilling ... as E walked into the garden this spontaneously erupted. I hadn't quite expected it, but it was so thrilling and happened several times , well often, during the night.

As the excitement and joy just boiled over it would be picked up and thrill us all!

Now this is Australia, there is always something like this at weddings because we come from such diverse cultural backgrounds. I guess we will find something like this when S marries D (of Hungarian extraction) next year.

Third, as I prayed for those who weren't there. Particularly thinking of Claire, E's grandmother who died not so long ago, I suddenly realised that who knew what else this refugee family had had to bear, and who was not there for them today and who this prayer might refer to.

And then, lastly, there was just the dancing. It looked a lot like young men showing off, but it was great!!!

On death and dying (iii)

I did say I would review My Sister's Keeper (especially I think for you Vicky!).
I dislike the novels of Jodi Picoult the more I read them, sentimental and mawkish and not very complex.
Now, one thing I know about death is that it is complex. And this may seem trite, but it is also important.
My Facebook review is here (I think if you click it it shoudl take you to my Flixtster page, but this may only work if you are on Facebook)
The plot has been modified so it is a bit better than the book, and the acting is great.
The basic tenet of the plot is a girl dying of cancer has a sister who was probably conceived so that there might be " compatible genetic material" . Anyway at age twelve, or so, that child petitions the court (it could only happen in America) to prevent her parents using her body any more.
It is a good twisty plot.
The question that might well be asked is do parents have the right to continue to save their children when their children have had enough!! Ms C Diaz is forceful as the mother, and leaves you without a doubt that parents will, can and should prevail. But fails to see that this is not onlky killing her daughter(s) but also her family. (Not too subtle...but a not unimportant point about what can happen during grieving)
In the midst of this a dying person has had enough.
It's worth a look.

One thing I know after 30 odd years of helping people with death, is that most people chew it up. And come out of the experience of grieving, as difficult as it is for anyone, better people.
We were warned in our early training that some people who "get stuck" need help...and that's true. But most people don't get stuck and can process it.
The worst thing, it seems to me, that you can do is to refuse to engage with it.
This is probably because death and grief are likely to be the most authentic experiences we will ever have.

In the midst of this my brother-in-law's Mama, Teresa, (who has been declining for some weeks now) died last night. She made the tenderest calamari in the world!

Right to die (ii)

A quadraplegic man this week "won the right to starve himself to death" (here). It begs all sorts of questions. The case was not so much about this man's rights as clearing any palliative care agency of negligence if they decide to agree with his wishes not to accept food....and that they should respect his wishes not to be force-fed.
A correspondent to The Advertiser yesterday rightly asks the question whether this decision is actually 'civilised', as many claim. Not because it allows a person to suicide by starvation, but because by allowing in principle a person's right to determine whether they should not be treated, the person then has to go through a slow but excruciating process of dying by starvation.
I think this is a good point.
Whilst I personally believe we should not go down the track of allowing active euthanasia (that is, doctor's should not be allowed to inject people with drugs the sole purpose of which is to take away their life) there are going to be dilemmas like this which need better solutions.
Incidentally, last night S and I went to see My Sister's Keeper, which is also about death...but I will blog about that later

The right to die properly

Death is an amazing thing. I did a funeral last week of a man who was 90 and family flew from the other end of the world to be here. His wife of some years unfortunately has Alzheimer's and one can only hope she took in some of what was going on. They had had a couple of tender moments in the days leading up to the death, but in such circumstances...one mentally diminished and the other under a great deal of end-of-life stress...you just trust that we do what we can.
It always seems to me that if we overcome our fear of the process then it is open to rich possibilities.

Narrow Perspective

When I was a "trainee" priest an older wiser colleague said that the trouble with Funeral Directors was that they thought they were 'directing' the funeral and that ministers thought of them as 'undertakers'. This bears some thought.
One director/undertaker runs an ad in the paper which says

• My Death Wish
• Don't go to Church
• Don't like wasting money
• Care for my partner and my children
• Don't want all the pomp and costs of a full funeral.
• I am choosing a short. simple, non religious
• MINI-FUNERAL at a cheap price

I actually think that this is socially inept and bereft of understanding what a funeral is actually about.
While I think it is possible for funerals to be an outrageous financial burden, this is not the only factor that needs to be taken into account.
I say this not because I wish to preserve the religious component when clearly many people are alienated by this, but I don't actually believe that many undertakers are better qualified to 'direct' funerals.
In fact I could give you any number of instances when undertakers have been blasé with their charges to the point of an affront, treating the dead as if they were hunks of concrete to be carted around.
They often lack the subtlety or capability of dealing with people who are actually grieving. Too many funerals fail to confront grief, and become sort of like birthday parties where the particular celebration is that the guest of honour happens to be dead.

At the very least, the religious (any religion really) helps us to confront our mortality.

What does this particular ad mean when it says it doesn't want all the pomp of a "full funeral"?
Is it somehow promoting a part-funeral, or a less than complete obsequy and why?
If I know anything after 30 years of taking funerals it is that you don't get a second chance to get it right.
Unfortunately the narrow viewpoint that this sort of company promotes,

• as cheap and as quick as possible,
• preferably without any grief or sadness
• an alleged celebration of life but no appreciation of death

I suspect does more damage than good. This doesn't need to be expensive, or religious but it shouldn't be cheap and nasty. Funerals are important. Important enough to get right.

Two tenors left

Perhaps the best known face in opera today is no more. The world is a poorer and a sadder place for the loss of the magnificent voice of Luciano Pavarotti.
We have been blessed in the age of the CD and digital recording to get such faithful and powerful recordings of the work of such people.
I grew up in the wake of the death of Mario Lanza, who in turn immortalised for millions one Enrico Caruso, whose voices both captivated the ears and hearts of many.
Pavarotti has likewise captivated hearts, and one would have to say with a finer voice than either Caruso or Lanza, who were amateurs by comparison.
Although we see Ten Tenors and Il Divo, with fine voices indeed, but also the attempt to create opera superstars. In the end you have to have the force of personality, which indeed Pavarotti had.
Didn't seem to be able to act for nuts, until he sang. We will indeed be poorer.
I remember the first time I heard the Verdi Requiem almost bizarre in its floridity, quite unliturgical. And Yes, Pavarotti was singing. Somehow that is being sung for him now. May he indeed rest peacefully and in harmony.

Embarassment , the Elephant of Truth and the Big Cheese

Commenting on someone else's blog in which they ask the question posed by Jack Spong...Why the Church should change or die...and trying to be too cryptic for my own good, I said

Maybe we shouldn't be so embarassed to die.

As I think about it there may be more than an "elephant of truth " in that little insight. Not that we should be careless or reckless with what has been committed to us, but we are awfully reluctant to let stuff go. While this is understandable it is not necessarily or particularly commendable.
Even if we think about someone dying (Jeff of a previous post died earlier this week...one of his fundamentalist daughters abused the good Archdeacon who had tried to minister to the family in their grief...but I digress).
Today we have to endure a "clergy conference". The last one we had on this subject really got to the Big Cheese as he copped a fair bit of flak for his non- consultative style. I imagine today we will see a wresting back of authority, comforted now with an episcopal ally of his own making, and months of consolidation of his position he is in a much firmer place. But he is, for all his rhetoric, I suspect too embarassed to let things die.

Talking Heads

The execution of Saddam Hussein's 2-i-c rather makes the point about the death penalty that I have been trying not to pontificate about.
In the course of the execution his head came apart from his body.
The official spokesman (in all seriousness) assured the news conference...

"I want to assure you the rope did not break, the head just (sic) became separated from the body"

If we had any doubts about the barbarism of the death penalty this should dispel them. This little encounter demonstrates how our perceptions get twisted, and we begin to rationalise the irrational and defend the indefensible.
One only has to read Stephen King's "The Green Mile" which has 3 or 4 well crafted descriptions of executions in the electric chair ( which are clearly based on real-life accounts) to realise that it is nopt a sanitary affair, and indeed unnecessarily cruel.
Oh, how arrogant we are if and when we think we can be masters and mistresses of God's domain

Death be not proud

One of my lurking fears is the reintroduction of the death penalty. Nothing it seems to me so betrays our corporate humanity as the desire to kill each other. That we should choose to do it 'legally' is profoundly confronting. One can criticise illegal acts, and violence...but when someone is killed by legal prescript then we are making a profound statement about our values.
We can all understand why people think Saddam should be executed, that doesn't mean we should do it. In fact I find it rather disturbing that so few voices (if any) can be heard saying that the death penalty is wrong. Just plain wrong.
One of the ironies is that it allows the voice of evil itself to paint himself as a martyr. That is an obscenity.
I go on record as saying that I believe no good is achieved by executing criminals. I do not think Saddam should be legally murdered (an oxymoron if ever there was one).
If anything Hussein should be left to rot in jail like Hess, an ongoing reminder to future generations of his evil.
He will, of course, be subect to the blood lust of the Iraqis but more realistically of the American administration. Less than human behaviour by those who claim the moral high ground.

But not forgotten

Enough is enough, no more people I know are allowed to die for at least 6 weeks (or until I come back from my holidays on 27th January!)
Having bemoaned that I sat around waiting for the third person to die, the 4th, 5th and then 6th died before Chrismas.
This latter my first priestly boss (or "Rector" as we used to call him!) was a curious mix of the person who longed to be different but couldn't bring himself to be free of his conservative shackles. He was enormously gifted and perceptive, when he preached well he was remarkably good and helpful. But he was also deeply threatened, not I think by other people's competence, but by any sense of loss of power. He thus threw away countless opportunities to soar because he was frightened that if he flew tooo high he would not be able to crap on people below.
Perhaps a little harsh! But as one who was his subordinate I (and others) could have done without it.
I found myself asking my wife a couple of weeks ago what I would have been like if instead of being discouraged I had been enouraged by him. Then a few days later he died.
I have only myself to blame for allowing him to affect me the way he did, and there were other issues going on at the time.
As death unremittingly reminds us of what we ought to do and what we ought not to have done, I tried when I was a training Rector to treat my curates better than I had been treated.
With one I was too liberal, but he was moderately competent any way. The next was good, because he would have been good where ever he was, but I think I helped him a little. The next just totally exploited my desire to not be like my first Rector and did what he liked....he is now in a position of prominence and doing that to lots of others too....and by the time I had the last one I became bored with the whole exercise and he just did nothing other than play golf, and I just couldn't raise the energy to smack him over the ear.
So? My reflection? Don't go criticising the now defunct AJD, I did no better myself. I hope that he has the rest and stability in eternity that he could not bear to have on earth, and yet so desperately longed for

Sitting lightly

It is not always that you hear lawyers speaking gently or positively so I was impressed when chatting with one of my friends, a lawyer, last night about a seemingly unalterable difficult situation that he said "Of course grace abounds".
It all depends on the way you choose to view situations, he suggested; so often the sytem invites us to look negatively or selfishly but we can choose to look differently. I sometimes call this "sitting lightly".
So in the last few days I have seen some difficult stuff, and am chastened by those who sit lightly in the face of adversity, and a little saddened by those who find themselves unable so to do.
Chastened by the mother who wraps her dying son in the quilt made for him while he was in hospital; chastened by the friend who so looked forward to being a parent that no when she lost that baby she is finding this Christmas time really hard; chastened by another one dying and in great pain who simply wants to come home for Christmas. Chastened by a lovely daughter or three who is just edging into the season and gently trying to make everyone's life good today and the next day.....aaah too melancholic I feel, too sermonical. But grace abounds.

Chris's funeral

I left home at 10, went to the dentist, had an hour to kill so had a coffee, said prayers in the shopping centre (always a good thing to do); bought a copy of the "God Delusion". Had lunch with my deanery colleagues. very nice and pleasnat. And popped back to see that the little one was OK (12 episodes of Will & Grace later....she was supposed to be cleaning her room)
The funeral began at 2 and the Church was packed and into two overflow spaces as well.
It went well. He was a remarkable gift of a person. A man who found out when he was 17 that he could easily die and decided to throw himself into living. This so electrified those whose lives he touched that they lived a bit better too. Very Christlike.
It makes one wonder why we don't throw ourselves properly into life, and why we always presume that we have tomorrow.

A good thing to do

I went tonight to share in a Christmas Solace Service. A service for those who will find Christmas difficult for all sorts of reasons. One of my friends was there who lost a baby early in the year. I was conscious as we sang innocuous Christmas Carols how a mother and father who cannot hold their little baby must feel when they hear the words of these carols.
R's eyes caught mine as we sang "Where a mother laid her baby" and I quickly looked away.
But these carols are unremitting in their simple sentiment that can rip us apart so unknowingly.
Round the virgin mother and child, all is not calm and all is not too bright.
and the stars in the bright sky look down for R on an empty cradle.
It is unremitting!
She fortunately is a good thing and processes these things very well. But I was conscious as we lit candles for causes known and unknown that so many women came up and lit candles. How many had lost children I do not know. But Christmas exposes our sadness as well as our joy.